Feeling Fucking down today

 Im at work. I have day shift. Wont be home til 7 pm, that's in 6 hours, I  been here 6 hours already. Im so down, Just feeling like I just want to lay in my bed and not be bothered. Yepp its one of those days. PLUS. I so gotta go to the bathroom and do nr 2!!  😳Im at the clients home. His toilet. and his toilet is one word : GROSS!!! 😱I cleaned it somewhat to today, because it was so nasty. I refuse use it to do nr 2. Pee yes I can do that. I dont need to sit on the seat but the other one. No, I will wait til im home. But my stomach is kinda hurting now. Only 6 hours to go..... SIIGHHHH!!!!!!!????? 

Plus I kinda think he dont want to put me in a schedule , I am just a sub caregiver. Sooo. He chose 2 other people to add to his hours ,  someone who has gone and study. I thought he would choose me. Apparently not. I know I can be ab it clumsy and so. I cant help it... I ask more about it. If I get more hours..  I will give up on that one. 🙄🤨🙁

Job Struggle

I need more work hours!! I so want to get rid of my stupid loans. Cant save cus everything goes to that... I need a miracle, God hear me!!! Hear my prayers,, Please God!!!  Just help me this time!! I wont ask for much more!!!  Why was I so stupid to take them in the first place... It was just a quick fix for the moment. Now im stuck with it. Im trying to find a loan , to get rid of the small loans, So im not stuck with them. I got only that. But they are so hard on me cus of my bad credit... SIGH. Very frustrating for sure... 😤😣😫

Missing my friend

I havent heard from my really close friend/ best friend/ That I love alot since 2008 , and Ihavent heard  since 5 April. Its a pretty long time, But we keep in touch through letters, so it takes awhile for it to reach back n forth. I just hope I havent made him mad or anything... It is kinda frustrating to not know. -.-  But theres not alot I can do, except wait or just hope that I will hear from him soon. Just miss him alot. :/

But there are days where im mad at him for doing what he did. But thats normal right? cus he did destroy his life for what?? Nothing good. Just hope he will be a free man very soon.

Late night entry

The guy I had been talking to for more than a week is on his way to visit family. Its been 2,5 days since we spoke on skype I dont know when we will talk again hopefully when he is there???  It does feel a little weird. I do miss that even if sometimes it was annoying but it was fun aswell. It was annoying mostly because I got neck pains from it.

When I felt down he picked me up. Made me feel better :) Even the short amount of time we have talked so it feels like we have known each other forever. Ive never had a guy that has been as honest as him. Ive always like been suspicious and had reason to be. Idk if i have to be with him. I will see.

So far he is awesome!!

stupid anxiety

worst day ever when it shouldnt be

got a letter but not the letter i was waitin for, I got a respons from my lette from new years eve not the christmas letter! Where is it???????? Im so freakin upset, angry, sad, disapointed. I do love the letter i got but i wanted to hear what he said about getting together!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH

noone that i want to t alk to on facebook is talkin to me, when i try it feels like im bothering them. maybe i should give fuckin rats ass about them then??? meant to have no friends then fuck you ALL.

2-3 hours of sleep? okay lets start the day

Hey Monday

I couldnt sleep too good, but somehow im still up and im doing pretty okay. Just feeling....lonely and I want to be loved. My kind of love.Someone who says I love you and calling me sweet names and just make my tummy feel butterflies in it. But then again a hug or a kiss wouldnt be bad. But not from anyone. I have to love that person!

I manage being alone pretty well, but sometimes, It gets tooo much. It just hurts and anxiety rises. It started after I ate a pizza for dinner. Im on a diet. and I was feeling like "Damn now i screwed up" Im supposed to have 1 day that I can eat something I crave not 2. Thats all when it started. :(

I had no work.

keep feelings to yourself or share them ?

This morning I sent a very important email about how ive felt the last 2 months to my special someone, and theres still a feeling like "maybe I should have kept it to myself or not tell him at all about it"

Then again a good relationship is based on honesty and communication + feelings. Maybe he doesnt even recognise what he does or do that I do. So by telling my feelings he knows about it. Theres a nice and sweet way to do it instead of accusing someone.

Im not feeling the best right now and i really need him if he cant be here for me then he cant. Im not expecting an answer or anything just felt like writing that off my chest.

disapointed in myself

disapointed in myself

ugh

ugh...

I just feel down and just blah! dont feel like doing anything at all

so many thoughts...

noone wants to talk to me, well my "so called friend when she is nOT" decided to IM me on facebook, like im gonna talk to you when i feel sad, fuck no, sorry sweety.

L.O.V.E

Sitting here thinking about what went wrong, almot 3 years ago, Im so ready to be someones girlfriend, to be loved, to love back, to be intimate.
When that is going to happen, Im not sure, Only God knows.

depression oh, no depression

My depression is back...stronger than ever, anxiety : HIGH
, confusion: alot
loneliness: none
Suicide thoughts: going higher

Help? Noone can help me.....

LOVE or LOVE?

OR