Today is one of those days

Just pain inside . Just hurts to live. Just painful.

I dont love myself. I try to pretend i do... I dont....

I hate myself !!!

Whats the point of all this so called "life" im so exhausted living . Im exhausted being here.  Drained energy everyday. 

Been feeling low all week

 

I'm not sure why I have been feeling down . It cant be because of the Pmdd ? Plus I read in the local newspaper that the High school im currently cleaning will be closing and moving the students /teachers to other schools next year??? Im like what????? Im not suprised, their school is pretty run down. Just my luck. Do I really need to start at zero again? I dont know if the company will be able to get me anpther job ?  Fuckin crazy!!!!! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just frustrating. Better start looking for ANOTHER JOB or extra fast. Im just so exhausted its just crazy!!!! 😞🙁😕

I hope tomorrow is A BETTER DAY!!!!!!!!!!! 

Plus I havent got a message from My guy. Bummer. I hope I will get one today. Then Monday I guess...

When your boss doesn't appreciate you

 Me, and 2 other guys + the "boss" had to clean the school for opening house. Anyways I accidently misunderstood,I thought we had to clean ALL toilets. Apparently we were gonna clean on 1,2,3 floor. The boss who is a she...got so bitchy and had an attitude towards me.😮.Im here on a saturday, volonterly cleaning the fuckin school!!!😡😠🤬😤! Can you be nice atleast??? Its not my fault their contract is hanging on a thread. I only been here a month!!! I got so pissed. I didnt say anything ugly towards her but in my head I was cussing her out every word in the book. I know she was stressed and probably didnt want to spend her saturday waking up at 6am. But hey can atleast come with a good mood??? NOPE a pissy mood. Not even a sorry Im a bit stressed.... Nope nothing.🧐

Pfff 🙄😒There is another open house after school on Wednesday. I really dont want to be there and clean again. I dont know what to do... I gotta think about it. 

Right now I'm going to enjoy my Saturday evening with a good movie and snacks 🥰😋🎥🤩

Been a tough week

 

Worked a full 8 hour today. My feet are so sore. Plus my mom forgot her small backpack with her phone in the woods. She didnt realise it til it was 9 pm and gone 5 hours til then..☹️.So we went into the woods, with my phone , cus of the flashlight, looking for it...Kinda thought about Blair Wicht Project...Kinda spooky yet exciting. But boy my feet was even more tired cus of that....We found the phone. I kept calling it. We heard it ring.. Im just waiting for My Smokey to come, I havent seen him for 2 days. He might have been inside but I been sleeping. Soooo I have no idea. Just a bit worried I guess. 

Ps. Smokey got home. 🥰❤️

I havent gotten any letters , except for the small short one with the pics in it...I think he has forgotten about me or just dont want to communicate??😔☹️🙁 I dont know..Hope God is taking care of him..But I think im gonna send some fun Halloween pics anyways. Since so many got sent back.... Btw I got a pumpkin that im gonna carve out tomorrow!!! YAYY🎃

I just feel a bit sad , Not sure why. Maybe I feel better tomorrow. MEHH😑😑

I was supposed to post this yesterday. I forgot 🙄😏

Mondays Blue

 

My diet is going "okay" i can do better wich I will this week. Just feeling a bit bummed today. I just miss my guy alot. I still havent got any letter from him... I dont know if I even should expect anything...Should i just forget about him?? Everything is just so strange and big I dont know whats going on... I try not to think about him but he comes in my dreams at times. SIIGHH.

I suspect my cat Mirabelle is preggo. Im not sure. I hope she is, Would be so cosy if she got another litter. I guess we will see. I havent given her the pill in weeks. Time will tell. 

I had a job interview last week and another one other week. I havent got any update yet. I hope I get any of them. I just need a job thats all. My debts are killing my soul and my income...

Feeling so blah today

 

Once again I forget to post something I started...Must be my anxiety pills...They do kinda maked me a bit slow and forgetful??? I tried to schedule another visit. But I waited yesterday , It wasnt even scheduled....Nothing was there. 🤔😒I waited all day for it...Hmmm??? Odds against me 1 million it seems.

He is doing fine thats all I know. I sent out many things. I wont send out any more letters. I feel like a stalker. Like im bothering him, so I will ket him be. He is surely making something important over there. He hasnt had time for me or his grandma either (calling her) Makes a kinda irritated.😡😠 I will ignore him now..YEPP see how that feels... Waiting here like damn fool for letters and trying to set up visitations and NOTHING freakin goes right!!!!!!!!!!!! 😤😫 Im waiting for my period so My pmdd is acting out,,, Im mad at him and I dont want to talk to him....💀🤬🤬🤬🤬

                       

Missed the video visit!!! should had post it the 17th

I cant believe it, I was looking forward to it, AND I wasnt sure they would go with it. Their system had crashed Monday and They werent sure if they would be able to make it work til my schedule time...

I woke up 5 minutres before 4 pm and I checked my email nothing. Then all of sudden 4:11 pm I got the email with the video link!! I hurried to log in but it seems he had already left. I waited a long time. Thinking maybe they changed the time? I called. He had waited on me...I missed him by 10-15 minutes just because that STUPID email got to me late... Im still angry about it. 

Thankfully I could rechedule , Its tomorrow. 2 pm texas time. 9 pm my time...I reeaallly hope the email will arrive in time. I told him on jpay that wait for me. Even if he has to wait 10-15 minutes it can happen again?? I hope not... I wonder if the late email had something to do with their video system crashing??

Im not sure...   I was so bummed out And I have no idea what he thought? I hope he is not mad at me or thinking I forgot or just didnt care to show up?? 

Maybe this week?

I was supposed to post this on Friday..Thought I did, lol I got my second covid 19 vaccine shot on Saturday and the side effects were as the first one, tummy cramps, naeusu  , body aching😖😣...But today its alot better!! 👌😊 Its Another week, Monday. Today I just need to go to the store , buy some catfood , cat treats, maybe buy something for me. I really pray this week is a good week.🙏🙏

I also called the prison he is at, apparently they are doing video visits. Interesting for sure. WHat if he is mad at me and I schedule one , it just go all wrong???😱😱 *gulp* I will wait a few days til I call. I kinda get so darn nervous to call there, I know I can speak descent english but Im still nervous if Im able to get out what I want to say. I will do it anyways, I really wanna have a video visit if its possible???😋😁😍🤗

Im so over this day

So much exhausting happened today....First the anoying friend called me 3 times, txt me once, its important, answer...She was gonna ask if I could be her reference for a job..I said yes...Then I had some trouble with my job I tried to call in sick for my shifts. They OFCOURSE demand sick note after the 24th...Aw well I guess I have to freakin get it...As long as I dont have to go back there.... 🙄😒😆

Just had alot of anxiey and was really sad today because of my loans I have. Just have felt so hopeless. I still havent heard anything from my guy. Maybe he doesnt want to write anymore? I dont know...maybe its just me?? or maybe he hasnt felt good... Just praying he is in good health I guess. I just miss him alot.🙁😭😥 

 

Hello June!!

 

Hello June 

Its June , officially June. My brothers birthday is coming up. My Bro in heaven.🙏☹️❤️ He would been 32 this year. Me and my mom will probably go to his grave and put some flowers on there, Just remembering him. I do mis you Bro, I am thinking about you EVERYDAY ❤️❤️❤️

Other than that, I just been trying to lose weight. Its been alot harder than i thought🙄 it would be , still have just lost 2 pounds... Im trying to look for jobs. Its also hard , My mood keeps shifting. Some days are just fuckin hell and everything seems pointless.. Some days are okay... 🤔🤐

Hope something good comes along.😬😬

My mood for today

 

Today is not a good day ( why I found alot of quotes) to show off my moods. 

I feel like my work situation wont get any better and that I will be financially unstable forever. I know it sounds stupid and out of the world but thats how It feels. Its Summer now. Work will be even harder to find. They have already found summer workers.... FUCK! I dont want to go on unemployement but I got no other choice... I got 7 different paymenys for loans. I fucked up on that situation too. I had big plans when I got that full time job to fix that. Pay them off. But nope ofcourse not that would not happen!! Im just so angry today, frustrated, sad, feeling down.....

Worst Pmdd outburst i had

 So i suffer from Pmdd wich stands for Premenstrual dysphoric disorder it's basically worse than pms....

Here is an example of what the symptoms can be

I had to rush to work because he hadn't checked his phone properly. He said she hadn't arrived. It gone an hour. He said he received a text but couldn't read it... 🙄

So I had to rush there at 8 pm on my day off. Apparently she had already txt in sick 7.30 in the morning. He had missed it... 

Then she sent it again. He had called in another person to fill in. While I was there... I had to do work I just thought I was going to help him open the door.

I told him I wanted to fill in incase her wife was sick too. The night shift the other day. So someone could take my day shift. I waited and waited that day.. Nothing. I assumed she wasnt sick. I got there in the morning.. 

 SUPRISE!! She was sick he called in same guy again. Omg!!!!!😡😡  I was so pissed. I think more than I ever been. I don't think he cares about my requests... Fuckin meatball.. He is so fake too. I don't trust him a bit. That shift I was so over with it.. I consider changing work. Not only cus of him but the queen and her wife too. The family friend... Idk how I can coentinue. I also got so fuckin mad over another thing he said that morning... That he is not in the riskzone . So we have been locked inside cus you just feel like it? Like excuse me?? 🤬🤬He doesn't know how the time goes so slow when you don't know what to do on your computer anymore. Move after movie and sitting down for 12 hours is freakin too much.  He could at least ask to go outside... I really thought he was in the riskzonen. 

Now they are sick. The queen and her wife they have tested themselves if they have covid or not. They both have fever. If it's positive that's not good. He saw her on Monday the wife. I heard she even hugged him? 🤨 I thought they didn't like him

.. I'm so fuckin confused. Too much drama. I want out... ✌️

That day really pushed my mental health. For real... I'm still mourning my brother and im trying to get by every single day. My mom being a little bitch almost every day. Pickin on me... I don't know if I can survive... I'm on the edge. I'm tired mentally. So tired.. 😭😭

Just let's say I'm just done with this week🙄😔👋🤬✌️